Losing Faith

Dear Ella,
Mommy just got more bad news. Our court date of July 20 has now been pushed back two weeks to August 5--pushing our visa date back to September. I don't even have faith that that will work out. I don't know why but everything is working against us. I am numb to this now and I am losing faith that I will ever hold you. I am tired of disappointment and tired of all of this! I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone because I see the way they look at me, like I am going to break, and they may be right. I want to come now and I would love to come and get you sooner than September, but we don't have the money and so I have to wait. I must have really done something horrible to deserve this torture and I am just not wanting to do this anymore. I will never stop wanting you and waiting for you and loving you more than anything, but I am done with the process. I just want it to be over, why is this so hard? I cant take it anymore. Why? I will not believe anything until it happens, so as far as I am concerned this court date doesn't exist. I will continue on with my horrible existence until someone tells me to get on a plane and come and get you, until then I am numb. I don't want anyone to ask me about you, the adoption, the court date...nothing. I am numb and silent from this point on. I won't put myself through this anymore and I just can't take the heart-break. I can't take the ups and downs, I can't look at your pictures or video or anything. I just want to act like it isn't happening for a while.
You are in my heart forever Ella, I just need a break from the process. Mommy will talk to you but no more letters, it is too hard!
All of my love,
Mommy