Dear Ella,
Hi my sweet baby. Mommy misses you so much. Every day gets harder, the questions in my head get harder to quell. I don't know how to do this. I am trying to be strong for your Dad and for you, but you dominate my thoughts. This empty house starts to close in around me. You should be here in my arms, I should be feeding you your morning bottle and instead I am alone with no idea when you are coming home. I hear babies crying and it kills me. How am I supposed to do this? How do I keep going? I don't want to keep playing like I am ok--I'm not! I hate this--I pray that God will do something, but my faith is failing once again. Maybe that is the problem, I am being punished for all the things I have done in my life and for not believing like I should. I have countless thank you cards to write for all of the beautiful things that people got you, but each time I try I sob uncontrollably. Maybe I am not cut out for this, maybe I can't handle it. Other people seem to go on and they are ok--I am a mess. I just want some word, some hope. Please God, I am praying, please please please help bring Ella home--I need her, I can't breathe without her.
Ella--help Mommy pray--I know you can hear me. Pray that this is settled and we can go to court soon. Mommy will see you soon, I am coming for you. You are the first thing Mommy thinks about when I wake up and the last thing I see when I fall asleep. Be a good baby, you are the most loved baby in the universe and we are coming to get you soon. Mommy loves you.
Mom
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I need you at the dimming of the day.
Dear Ella,
I am so sorry that I have not written anything recently, I have been a little down. Your Great Grandpa Flynn died on Saturday and Mommy is having a hard time dealing with both things. This week is particularly hard for me because this is the week I was supposed to meet you. For 4 months, I rehearsed the meeting in my head. Your Dad and I would come to the HOH on Monday--your 6 month birthday. They would bring you to us and hand you over, I would cry and so would your Dad. I can't get over the idea that I am supposed to be holding you right now, I feel I am being robbed. There is an emptiness inside of me. I wanted to be singing to you and rocking you to sleep, making you feel secure. Now your Daddy has to do that for me, Mommy is not strong without you. I need you baby, I need you to pray that this works out soon and that you get to come home to Mommy and Daddy. We miss you so much and we need you. I am mourning the loss of time, I will never hold you when you are 5 months, or 6 months. I will never know when you sat up for the first time or rolled over. I won't see your first smiles or your tantrums--I want that and I am sad and angry all at the same time.
I wanted to tell you a little about your Great Grandpa Flynn, he was a good man that made your Mommy feel very special. He took your Aunt Michelle and I on trips to Lake Cumberland and taught us to fish and water ski. We played cards and games and read Dr Seuss. As we got older, Grandpa kept records, he always video taped the experience, from my dance recitals to passing Triny dog over the table as we played cards and ate animal crackers. He owned a grocery store and made us feel very special, he gave me whatever I wanted and made sure we had what we needed. I will miss him but I also know that he will watch over you. Your guardian angels are plentiful!
I am closing this with the words from the song I will sing to you.
This old house if falling down around my ears I'm drowning in the river of my tears. You pull me like the moon pulls on the tides. What days have come that keep us far apart, a broken promise or a broken heart. I am living for the night we steal away. I need you at the dimming of the day. I need you at the dimming of the day.
Remember that you are loved more than any other baby in the universe. Your Daddy and I are coming to get you and hold you and love you. Don't lose hope, Mommy is coming! Mommy is coming! Mommy is coming!
All my love and wishes for sweet dreams,
Mommy
I am so sorry that I have not written anything recently, I have been a little down. Your Great Grandpa Flynn died on Saturday and Mommy is having a hard time dealing with both things. This week is particularly hard for me because this is the week I was supposed to meet you. For 4 months, I rehearsed the meeting in my head. Your Dad and I would come to the HOH on Monday--your 6 month birthday. They would bring you to us and hand you over, I would cry and so would your Dad. I can't get over the idea that I am supposed to be holding you right now, I feel I am being robbed. There is an emptiness inside of me. I wanted to be singing to you and rocking you to sleep, making you feel secure. Now your Daddy has to do that for me, Mommy is not strong without you. I need you baby, I need you to pray that this works out soon and that you get to come home to Mommy and Daddy. We miss you so much and we need you. I am mourning the loss of time, I will never hold you when you are 5 months, or 6 months. I will never know when you sat up for the first time or rolled over. I won't see your first smiles or your tantrums--I want that and I am sad and angry all at the same time.
I wanted to tell you a little about your Great Grandpa Flynn, he was a good man that made your Mommy feel very special. He took your Aunt Michelle and I on trips to Lake Cumberland and taught us to fish and water ski. We played cards and games and read Dr Seuss. As we got older, Grandpa kept records, he always video taped the experience, from my dance recitals to passing Triny dog over the table as we played cards and ate animal crackers. He owned a grocery store and made us feel very special, he gave me whatever I wanted and made sure we had what we needed. I will miss him but I also know that he will watch over you. Your guardian angels are plentiful!
I am closing this with the words from the song I will sing to you.
This old house if falling down around my ears I'm drowning in the river of my tears. You pull me like the moon pulls on the tides. What days have come that keep us far apart, a broken promise or a broken heart. I am living for the night we steal away. I need you at the dimming of the day. I need you at the dimming of the day.
Remember that you are loved more than any other baby in the universe. Your Daddy and I are coming to get you and hold you and love you. Don't lose hope, Mommy is coming! Mommy is coming! Mommy is coming!
All my love and wishes for sweet dreams,
Mommy
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Maybe it should be this hard for everyone
Dear Ella,
This week has been such a roller coaster for your Mommy and Daddy. We had high hopes that we would hear something about your case, but we haven't . We had a conference call with CHI and the other families in the program, it was nice to hear from others in the same situation, but still no word on when or if your case will be heard. I am trying to look forward to things like going away for the weekend. Your Dad and I are going to meet the Cincinnati crew in Charleston for the weekend. It should be fun, but I am having a hard time relaxing these days. I worry that if this thing takes too long they might try and send you from the HOH back to the orphanage where they don't have adequate formula and food supplies--that keeps me up at night. We do not have any time references and that makes it impossible to plan anything. I don't think that people really understand how hard this situation is. We have fallen in love with you, it didn't take long. I remember getting home from NYC and seeing your small little face and malnourished frame on the computer screen and thinking--that is my daughter, that is my little girl, that is my future. My brain immediately reset my life and put you in it. Everything I want to do or that Daddy and I plan on doing--you are there. Every situation and decision we are faced with, we are making the best choice for you. When we thought that you would become ours, we were overwhelmed with emotion. When we found out that you might not become ours, we were overwhelmed with the opposite emotion. Those highs and lows are difficult to deal with. I am mourning a child I may never hold and at the same time I am told to hope that we will hold you. It is hard to deal one way or the other so we are left in a zombie state--not wanting to get hopeful because we are afraid of what happens when we get disappointed. I have never felt hurt like this before. The hurt of loving a child that you can't talk to, see, or touch is hard. The hurt of waiting to hold and hug and kiss your child for months is hard. The hurt of waiting for months only to be told it may never happen is unbearable. I want this all to be over and be holding you in my arms, I may never give you up. I think of the lullaby in my head, how long do you want to be loved..is forever enough cause I am never ever giving you up. It repeats over and over and I think 0f you in my arms. Maybe it should be this hard for everyone to get a baby, only the true parents who would sacrifice it all would be left standing. I will never take your life for granted, you will always be the greatest gift that I ever receive. If everyone went through what we are, I bet there wouldn't be babies left alone or thrown from car windows.
Ella, Mommy is staying strong for you. Mommy's only true concern is you--I will fight for you and I will never give up. If they tell me you cannot come here, I will go there. I will somehow make sure that you are not hungry or cold and you will never be alone. There is nothing in my world that is more important than you--you are the most loved child in the universe and we are coming to get you. Sleep well and grow strong because we have great adventures planned for you. Hold tight to the pieces of Mommy's heart because I am coming to get them soon.
All of my love,
Mommy
This week has been such a roller coaster for your Mommy and Daddy. We had high hopes that we would hear something about your case, but we haven't . We had a conference call with CHI and the other families in the program, it was nice to hear from others in the same situation, but still no word on when or if your case will be heard. I am trying to look forward to things like going away for the weekend. Your Dad and I are going to meet the Cincinnati crew in Charleston for the weekend. It should be fun, but I am having a hard time relaxing these days. I worry that if this thing takes too long they might try and send you from the HOH back to the orphanage where they don't have adequate formula and food supplies--that keeps me up at night. We do not have any time references and that makes it impossible to plan anything. I don't think that people really understand how hard this situation is. We have fallen in love with you, it didn't take long. I remember getting home from NYC and seeing your small little face and malnourished frame on the computer screen and thinking--that is my daughter, that is my little girl, that is my future. My brain immediately reset my life and put you in it. Everything I want to do or that Daddy and I plan on doing--you are there. Every situation and decision we are faced with, we are making the best choice for you. When we thought that you would become ours, we were overwhelmed with emotion. When we found out that you might not become ours, we were overwhelmed with the opposite emotion. Those highs and lows are difficult to deal with. I am mourning a child I may never hold and at the same time I am told to hope that we will hold you. It is hard to deal one way or the other so we are left in a zombie state--not wanting to get hopeful because we are afraid of what happens when we get disappointed. I have never felt hurt like this before. The hurt of loving a child that you can't talk to, see, or touch is hard. The hurt of waiting to hold and hug and kiss your child for months is hard. The hurt of waiting for months only to be told it may never happen is unbearable. I want this all to be over and be holding you in my arms, I may never give you up. I think of the lullaby in my head, how long do you want to be loved..is forever enough cause I am never ever giving you up. It repeats over and over and I think 0f you in my arms. Maybe it should be this hard for everyone to get a baby, only the true parents who would sacrifice it all would be left standing. I will never take your life for granted, you will always be the greatest gift that I ever receive. If everyone went through what we are, I bet there wouldn't be babies left alone or thrown from car windows.
Ella, Mommy is staying strong for you. Mommy's only true concern is you--I will fight for you and I will never give up. If they tell me you cannot come here, I will go there. I will somehow make sure that you are not hungry or cold and you will never be alone. There is nothing in my world that is more important than you--you are the most loved child in the universe and we are coming to get you. Sleep well and grow strong because we have great adventures planned for you. Hold tight to the pieces of Mommy's heart because I am coming to get them soon.
All of my love,
Mommy
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Frustration!
Dear Ella,
Every day that I spend without you is a lesson in patience. I am not good at waiting and I can't help but get upset that we are not getting updates from our agency. I also get jealous of the others who pass court and are heading over to get their children. I am truly happy for them, but I am also heart broken that I can't come get you. You are the light at the end of the tunnel, a light that I look towards every day. I am trying to live and I am trying not to break down, I am trying to control my emotions, no highs or lows. I can't live like this for very long.
I wish that I could just see you, I wish that someone would give me some information, I am drowning. I am numb, again. I just want answers and I need to start living again. Help.
I do pray, believe it or not. I need strength, I am weak right now and feel like crying all the time--I am just so mad! This is so unfair and I want something to give. I want to come get you now! Why is this happening? Please, please, please give me my daughter!!!!
I am sorry that I am so upset today, but I am here waiting for the green light to come and get you. Remember that I am coming and you are the most loved girl in the universe.
All of my love,
Mommy
Every day that I spend without you is a lesson in patience. I am not good at waiting and I can't help but get upset that we are not getting updates from our agency. I also get jealous of the others who pass court and are heading over to get their children. I am truly happy for them, but I am also heart broken that I can't come get you. You are the light at the end of the tunnel, a light that I look towards every day. I am trying to live and I am trying not to break down, I am trying to control my emotions, no highs or lows. I can't live like this for very long.
I wish that I could just see you, I wish that someone would give me some information, I am drowning. I am numb, again. I just want answers and I need to start living again. Help.
I do pray, believe it or not. I need strength, I am weak right now and feel like crying all the time--I am just so mad! This is so unfair and I want something to give. I want to come get you now! Why is this happening? Please, please, please give me my daughter!!!!
I am sorry that I am so upset today, but I am here waiting for the green light to come and get you. Remember that I am coming and you are the most loved girl in the universe.
All of my love,
Mommy
Monday, May 18, 2009
Never give up!
Dear Ella,
You are so far away and my arms ache for you. I cannot wait to come and get you. I can't write much today because I am a little sad and I seem to want to cry a lot. Just remember that you are the most loved girl in the Universe! Mommy and Daddy are coming to get you. We will never give up on you, we are coming!
I love you more each day,
Mommy
You are so far away and my arms ache for you. I cannot wait to come and get you. I can't write much today because I am a little sad and I seem to want to cry a lot. Just remember that you are the most loved girl in the Universe! Mommy and Daddy are coming to get you. We will never give up on you, we are coming!
I love you more each day,
Mommy
Sunday, May 17, 2009
The Power of Music
Ella,
Today's letter is from your dad. I don't know what all you will get from me, I hope for sure that you will get some dry humor and a love of books. I do know one thing you will get and that is the love of music. I took your mom to a concert last night that is one of my favorite events of the year - Tropical Heatwave from WMNF the best radio station ever! I look forward to it for months and plan my time to see each band I want to see meticulously. Last night though, one band played for you. A young band from Uganda (Kinobe and Soul Beat Africa) played the most amazing music on strange and beautiful handmade instruments. They captivated the audience including your mommy and me and took us far far from here to the continent that you sleep on. I hope that when they travel home they will carry a song to you and it will help you rest. Those songs are in my head with your adorable face. Those large eyes of yours we saw in the girls at the Ethiopian restaurant's booth that we ate at last night. Everything reminds us of you. I can't wait to take you to concerts and play songs for you like I do for your mommy. That will be my gift for you as it has been from my family to me.
Today's letter is from your dad. I don't know what all you will get from me, I hope for sure that you will get some dry humor and a love of books. I do know one thing you will get and that is the love of music. I took your mom to a concert last night that is one of my favorite events of the year - Tropical Heatwave from WMNF the best radio station ever! I look forward to it for months and plan my time to see each band I want to see meticulously. Last night though, one band played for you. A young band from Uganda (Kinobe and Soul Beat Africa) played the most amazing music on strange and beautiful handmade instruments. They captivated the audience including your mommy and me and took us far far from here to the continent that you sleep on. I hope that when they travel home they will carry a song to you and it will help you rest. Those songs are in my head with your adorable face. Those large eyes of yours we saw in the girls at the Ethiopian restaurant's booth that we ate at last night. Everything reminds us of you. I can't wait to take you to concerts and play songs for you like I do for your mommy. That will be my gift for you as it has been from my family to me.
Friday, May 15, 2009
More Love
My Sweet Ella,
I have been writing you these letters for a week now and we have quite a few of our friends and family following along. I wanted to tell you just how blessed we truly are. When it comes to friends, your Mommy has been very lucky. I have the best friends anyone could ever have. Your Nanan has always said that I am so lucky to have your Aunt Michelle--to whom I would fall apart without--but that I was really lucky to have friends that will be with me throughout my life. I know that this is true and that is one thing that I can pass down to you. You will not only come into a large family that loves and cares for you, but you will also inherit my friends. These people will care for you and love you like you are their own. There is a very strange and wonderful thing about true friends, it doesn't happen very often but when it does you must embrace it, cherish it and feed it. It is not easy, you have to work on it, but if you work hard and sacrifice you will be rewarded. There is an unconditional love that comes with certain friends, this type of love is precious. Your Mommy and Daddy have this love for you, but most people go through life never knowing what it feels like to love this way or to be loved in this way. Loving in this way means that you can never stop, never question and never reject the other persons love. I have that with my friends and I know you will too.
More love to flow in between us, to take us and hold us, let us save up, if there is ever an answer... its more love.
I will be singing this to you when you are falling asleep tonight, remember that you are the most loved baby in the Universe and don't forget, we are coming, we are coming, we are coming, Mommy and Daddy are coming!!
All of my love,
Your Mom
I have been writing you these letters for a week now and we have quite a few of our friends and family following along. I wanted to tell you just how blessed we truly are. When it comes to friends, your Mommy has been very lucky. I have the best friends anyone could ever have. Your Nanan has always said that I am so lucky to have your Aunt Michelle--to whom I would fall apart without--but that I was really lucky to have friends that will be with me throughout my life. I know that this is true and that is one thing that I can pass down to you. You will not only come into a large family that loves and cares for you, but you will also inherit my friends. These people will care for you and love you like you are their own. There is a very strange and wonderful thing about true friends, it doesn't happen very often but when it does you must embrace it, cherish it and feed it. It is not easy, you have to work on it, but if you work hard and sacrifice you will be rewarded. There is an unconditional love that comes with certain friends, this type of love is precious. Your Mommy and Daddy have this love for you, but most people go through life never knowing what it feels like to love this way or to be loved in this way. Loving in this way means that you can never stop, never question and never reject the other persons love. I have that with my friends and I know you will too.
More love to flow in between us, to take us and hold us, let us save up, if there is ever an answer... its more love.
I will be singing this to you when you are falling asleep tonight, remember that you are the most loved baby in the Universe and don't forget, we are coming, we are coming, we are coming, Mommy and Daddy are coming!!
All of my love,
Your Mom
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