Maybe it should be this hard for everyone

Dear Ella,
This week has been such a roller coaster for your Mommy and Daddy. We had high hopes that we would hear something about your case, but we haven't . We had a conference call with CHI and the other families in the program, it was nice to hear from others in the same situation, but still no word on when or if your case will be heard. I am trying to look forward to things like going away for the weekend. Your Dad and I are going to meet the Cincinnati crew in Charleston for the weekend. It should be fun, but I am having a hard time relaxing these days. I worry that if this thing takes too long they might try and send you from the HOH back to the orphanage where they don't have adequate formula and food supplies--that keeps me up at night. We do not have any time references and that makes it impossible to plan anything. I don't think that people really understand how hard this situation is. We have fallen in love with you, it didn't take long. I remember getting home from NYC and seeing your small little face and malnourished frame on the computer screen and thinking--that is my daughter, that is my little girl, that is my future. My brain immediately reset my life and put you in it. Everything I want to do or that Daddy and I plan on doing--you are there. Every situation and decision we are faced with, we are making the best choice for you. When we thought that you would become ours, we were overwhelmed with emotion. When we found out that you might not become ours, we were overwhelmed with the opposite emotion. Those highs and lows are difficult to deal with. I am mourning a child I may never hold and at the same time I am told to hope that we will hold you. It is hard to deal one way or the other so we are left in a zombie state--not wanting to get hopeful because we are afraid of what happens when we get disappointed. I have never felt hurt like this before. The hurt of loving a child that you can't talk to, see, or touch is hard. The hurt of waiting to hold and hug and kiss your child for months is hard. The hurt of waiting for months only to be told it may never happen is unbearable. I want this all to be over and be holding you in my arms, I may never give you up. I think of the lullaby in my head, how long do you want to be loved..is forever enough cause I am never ever giving you up. It repeats over and over and I think 0f you in my arms. Maybe it should be this hard for everyone to get a baby, only the true parents who would sacrifice it all would be left standing. I will never take your life for granted, you will always be the greatest gift that I ever receive. If everyone went through what we are, I bet there wouldn't be babies left alone or thrown from car windows.
Ella, Mommy is staying strong for you. Mommy's only true concern is you--I will fight for you and I will never give up. If they tell me you cannot come here, I will go there. I will somehow make sure that you are not hungry or cold and you will never be alone. There is nothing in my world that is more important than you--you are the most loved child in the universe and we are coming to get you. Sleep well and grow strong because we have great adventures planned for you. Hold tight to the pieces of Mommy's heart because I am coming to get them soon.
All of my love,
Mommy