Same sh__ different day

Dear Ella,
Mommy was expecting to hear some good news again today, buy nope. Once
again we have been let down. I am getting used to this and that makes
me want to scream! You turn 7 months this week and we are getting an
update on your height and weight. I can't wait to find out how much
you have grown. Be healthy baby, but don't grow too much. Mommy wants
to see you grow and experience your spurts first hand, not via email.
I can't wait to see you and hold you for the first time. I play that
scenario in my mind over and over again.
I love and miss you and hope to report good news tomorrow.
All my love little one.
Mommy

Sent from my iPhone
Amy Haynie
Tampa Street Market
www.tampastreetmarket.com

Dear Ella,
I want to tell you about your Grandpa. It is Fathers Day here and I
need to wish your Grandpa a happpy day. I thought that I would share
some things that he has done so you get to know what a great person he
is.
My dad is the best man I know. He has always made me feel like I am
important, not only to him but in the world. What I do and how I act
towards people has an impact. He taught me that I am no better than
anyone and that no one is above or below me. We need to treat everyone
with respect. He used to be a cop and bums that he would arrest or
question would thank him for treating them with respect. Just because
someone may be in a bad place or do something bad doesn't mean that
they are a bad person. That lesson travels with me every day of my
life and I try my hardest to treat everyone with respect and dignity.
His love for his family is his top priority. He would do anything for
us and would bend over backwards to make us happy.
A couple of Christmases ago I was really upset because I was trying to
save enough money to get you. There was a big blowout and I went home.
On christmas day you Eepaw came to our house with coffee and a gift.
The gift was the money to have you. He saw that I wanted and needed
you more than anything in the world and he couldn't see me in pain.
That gift may knock some time off their retirement, but he saw me in
need and he helped. That was the best gift I will ever get in my
life--you.
I will never be able to repay that generosity, but I will try and pay
it forward. I love my Dad more than I can say in words. I will try and
make your childhood as magical as he made mine. You are a lucky girl
like your Mommy, you get my dad as your Eepaw. He is a little shy, but
you will be privy to those few moments when he opens up his heart and
the warmth and love that envelopes you will stay with you forever and
you will know that you are never alone.
Happy fathers day dad!
Love, Amy and Ella

Sent from my iPhone
Amy Haynie
Tampa Street Market
www.tampastreetmarket.com

Ella,
Hi sweet baby. Mommy is doing better today thanks to her great friends
and family that give so much support. The true hero though is your
Daddy. Tomorrow is Fathers Day here and I want to thank your daddy for
all of the support he gives to your mommy. You are a really lucky girl
to have such a great person to call your father. He works his but off
to give financial support and then comes home to your depressed and
crazy mom. He is one of a kind and I love him so much. He keeps all of
his emotions in check because he doesn't want to upset me, but he
can't wait to be with you. He gets tears in his eyes when we talk
about you and he plans things fir you. He us so talented at writing
and designing and building. I know that he will teach you so many
things.
Happy Father's Day Charles! Ella, Baci and I live you and appreciate
all that you do for us!

Sent from my iPhone
Amy Haynie
Tampa Street Market
www.tampastreetmarket.com

No news today

We were told this week that we would be informed about what was going to happen with our court dates today, but unfortunately we heard that there was no news given. Although I was "cautiously optimistic", I am crushed! How am I supposed to go another weekend without news and maybe no news next week? How is this possible, this roller coaster of emotions--high to low! I am angry and sad and confused and jealous and frustrated and depressed. I am no good to anyone right now, poor Charles for having to put up with my neurotic ass! I want to be sane and happy, but it isn't that easy. I envy those people that can just sweep those emotions under the rug and deal with them later, I am not that person. My emotions are out there for everyone to see, and if one more person asks me about Ella--I am going to Scream! And if I hear, "just wait till you get her, you think that you are crazy now", but I will have her! My head is pounding, my heart is breaking and I want to throw something. Someone please make it stop! Stop telling us that we are going to hear something and we wait for days, on pins and needles and then nothing--do you know how hard that is? Frustration--is not even close to what I feel. Sadness--please, my heart is in my throat every second of the day, I wake up crying and go to sleep crying. I have waited for my baby for over 2 years and now she is growing up in a crib all alone in Ethiopia, where is the sense in that. And please don't tell me that Jesus and God will help--I am tired of using that crutch that seems to break every time I lean on it. I am sorry that I am venting, but I am tired and hurting and I want so badly to not be. I need drugs, sedation, something. Get me out of this hell!

Blessings

Dear Ella,

Mommy just got new pics of you and a video! You are growing so fast and gaining weight and I couldn't be happier. Today is the big day, I am trying not to get my hopes up, but we are supposed to hear about how the courts are going to proceed with the abandoned cases. Keep your little fingers and toes crossed all day!

The new pictures are bittersweet. On one hand, I am thrilled to see you and how much you have grown and on the other hand, I am so sad that I can't be there to hold you and kiss every inch of you. I don't know how long now, but I have a glimmer of hope that it won't be too long. I have watched the video over and over just so I can feel close to you. I told your Daddy today that when I see you I see him, there is no longer just the two of us, you are a part of us. You belong to us and we belong to you. I know that you can feel that. I think you are just waiting for us to come and get you. I think that once I get you I will never let you go, so lets get a few things straight: you cant go to school unless I can be there, you can't date unless you don't mind if I am with you, marriage will be hard because your husband or wife (whichever you prefer) will have to let me move in, I am being really serious. I feel like I have lost so much time with you that I am going to have a hard time letting you out of my sight.
Mommy's world starts and stops with you Ella. My life paused when I found out about you and the rest of my life is planned with you in it, so I will press play again when I get you in my arms. You will never be without love for as long as I live, you will be the most loved child in the world. I hate to write these letters because the only time I am at peace with the world is when I am writing you. When I end this letter, I will feel that emptiness again.
I love you baby and I am coming to get you soon. Remember that you are the most loved baby in the universe and Mommy and Daddy are coming, we are coming, we are coming.
All of my love,
Your Mommy

A Little Hope

Dear Ella,
Hi baby girl, Mommy is in Mexico for Uncle Rory´s wedding. I just looked at my email for the first time in a few days and there is a light of hope! It is only a rumor and I cant say much, but it looks really good. That is really good news and I need it because today was not a good day for Mommy. I woke up crying and havent stopped all day. I miss you little one and every day I sink a little deeper, but todays rumor has helped me see some light. Depression is a hard thing to deal with and I was starting to lose. I need you and I love you so much that it hurts--it really hurts. I dont want to plan my days without you and I want to hold you. My arms ache and my heart hurts. Your Eepaw says that depression is a hole that pulls you under and you have to fight to get out, I am fighting really hard and you are the light that I fight to see. No words can describe the feelings that I have, pain doesnt even come close. I want everyone to think that I am ok, maybe so I feel that I am ok. I just want you to come home to your Daddy and I. I stayed home from the festivities today, I just couldnt take it. I love this family, but I just needed some time to myself. I let your Daddy go on without me, I cried for hours. I didnt want to bring everyone down on such a happy occasion. I want so bad to feel better, but I can only supress these emotions for so long before they come up and choke me. Why? This is not something I can answer, I can only hope and pray and cope. Cope. Cope. Keep saying it and it will be real. I am also still having a hard time with the death of your Great Grandpa. I miss him and Grandma very much and I really wanted you to be able to meet them. All I can say is that you have 2 more angels watching over you. I know that they are there and they love you and Mommy very much. I will end this as I do with all of my letters and tell you that you are the most loved baby in the universe and that Mommy and Daddy are coming. Dont give up the hope that we love you more than we love anything. We are coming...Mommy is coming.
All of my love,
Mommy

Life don't clickety clack...

Ella,
This last week there was a funeral for a great-grandfather you will never know. You will see the pictures and hear the stories and that is all we get sometimes. Things change all the time. The lyric in my head this week is "Life don't clickety clack down a straight line track, it comes together and it comes apart." It goes over and over in my head in a sad folksinger's voice. This weekend you will miss my youngest brother's wedding. We kind of figured you would miss this one though, because you need a passport to get to Mexico these days. I know that you will get to know him soon and his new wife. So after a very full month, while we wait for you to come home, you have lost a great grandfather but gained an aunt. I am sure by the end of this weekend we will well know all of our new in-laws and we will have many more stories to tell you. I long to tell you stories of all your uncles and how they will change your life in small ways. Hang in there little one, I have to be strong for mommy right now and so do you. I know that you have already been through so much, but soon you will lay with us on the rug and your laughs will heal all this trouble. We will sing songs and dance for you this weekend. Travelling with us is another thing that you should look forward to. You will be born into a family with walking shoes.
See you soon,
Daddy