No news today

We were told this week that we would be informed about what was going to happen with our court dates today, but unfortunately we heard that there was no news given. Although I was "cautiously optimistic", I am crushed! How am I supposed to go another weekend without news and maybe no news next week? How is this possible, this roller coaster of emotions--high to low! I am angry and sad and confused and jealous and frustrated and depressed. I am no good to anyone right now, poor Charles for having to put up with my neurotic ass! I want to be sane and happy, but it isn't that easy. I envy those people that can just sweep those emotions under the rug and deal with them later, I am not that person. My emotions are out there for everyone to see, and if one more person asks me about Ella--I am going to Scream! And if I hear, "just wait till you get her, you think that you are crazy now", but I will have her! My head is pounding, my heart is breaking and I want to throw something. Someone please make it stop! Stop telling us that we are going to hear something and we wait for days, on pins and needles and then nothing--do you know how hard that is? Frustration--is not even close to what I feel. Sadness--please, my heart is in my throat every second of the day, I wake up crying and go to sleep crying. I have waited for my baby for over 2 years and now she is growing up in a crib all alone in Ethiopia, where is the sense in that. And please don't tell me that Jesus and God will help--I am tired of using that crutch that seems to break every time I lean on it. I am sorry that I am venting, but I am tired and hurting and I want so badly to not be. I need drugs, sedation, something. Get me out of this hell!