Today I heard a rumor that we aren't going to hear anything regarding
the court cases or how they are going to proceed until July 2. I hope
that is just a rumor, because your mommy is really tired of waiting. I
just want you home and in my arms. I have planned out all of these
wonderful things for us to do together. Your pictures and video keep
me going, but it is not enough. That isn't enough for me. I am now
faced with more time to fill and more questions about your where
abouts. I am thankful for all of the support, but I don't want to talk
anymore. At times, my heart wants me to curl into a ball and shut
down. I have never known about sadness like this. I continue to get
up everyday and to put on a happy face, but at times I feel that I
will never get through the day. I get up everyday living to hear good
news only to be faced with despair when I get the last email saying
that there is no new news. I just want to medicate myself and sleep
until I can wake up again with some new hope. This has been my
existance for the last 6 weeks and I am growing tired. I will never
give up the hope that I will come and get you, but I am tired.
Questions flood my mind and trouble my soul. I am lost.
You are my light and the thought of you gets me through my darkest
hours. I need you little one. Today I took your picture and drew a
likeness with pencil. I will do anything I can to feel closer to you
and hold on to my reality of us as a family. I am sorry that this is
so dark, but in a way this helps me to clear my thoughts. Putting down
my darkest ideas helps to cage them in a way. I learned long ago that
dark thoughts can be suppressed, but at some unknown time they will
rear their ugly heads and you will have to deal with them. I have to
deal with them now so that I can be whole and healthy when you come
home.
I hate to end my talks to you, but if I continue I am afraid all of my
family and friends will send a straight jacket and a padded cell will
be in my future.
I love you more than words can say and my heart is again in pieces
heading to you. Hold on to the truth that mommy is coming to get you.
I am coming soon. Never forget that you are the most loved baby girl
in the universe.
All of my love,
Mommy
Sent from my iPhone
Amy Haynie
Tampa Street Market
www.tampastreetmarket.com
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