A letter to Ella

To my daughter Ella,

I want to introduce myself to you. I am your Mother. You have not met me, but I wanted you to know a few things. There are some problems with the court system in the place where you are and that is why it is taking me so long to get to you. I know that you are getting anxious and know that we are too. I know you are too young to understand this, but someday I hope that I can read this to you or you will happen to find it.
I want you to know that on January 26, 2009 we found out about you. That was the day my life changed. I never knew that I could love someone I had never seen, touched or heard, but I did. You took my heart at that minute and have held it ever since. It has been 103 days since and you were supposed to be in my arms in 16 days, but unfortunately it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I am sorry sweet baby, but you have to stay strong. Mommy is coming. It might take me a few more weeks, or maybe months to get to you, but I am coming. Don't lose hope. There may be thousands of miles between us, but that cannot alter my feelings. You are my baby and I love you more than anything in the world. Stay strong and always remember that you are loved and Mommy is coming to get you.

All of my love,
Your Mom

Sleep

"Get some sleep"..."Get your rest now"...."No more sleeping in"....If only that was possible. I can't sleep, I wish that I could, but it just won't come. I fall asleep, but hours later I am wide awake. I have bad dreams, the kind like when you were a kid. Last night I dreamt that I was in this deserted house and I kept screaming for my Mom, I couldn't find my way out. I awoke at 2 and again at 3:30 and again at 4:30, I stayed awake. Hope, I am losing it. I planned our lives with Ella and now I can't think of anything hopeful, I have nothing to look forward to. I know there is a chance that the courts will do something soon, but there is also the chance that they won't. I am afraid to get my hopes up again. I just keep asking, "why us"?
I will put on a brave face and tackle my life again, but it won't make sense, not until Ella comes home.

What is going on

I just wanted to update all of you on what is going on with Ella and the adoption. Charles and I got some very sad news today, our adoption is getting put on hold. There was corrupt things going on in Addis Ababa with a certain agency and a certain police officer. All of which has affected us, they have decided not to hear any case involving abandoned children in Addis Ababa--Ella was abandoned. This is a big blow for us and I have cried non stop ever since we heard the news. We don't know if this issue will be taken care of next week, next month or next year. All of your thoughts, hopes, prayers and intentions are needed and appreciated. This is the hardest time of our lives. I hope that you understand if I don't respond to all of the emails, but know that I am reading them and I appreciate every comment. I will stop crying and we haven't given up hope that we will bring Ella home. Again, I am not a really religious person, but I would appreciate any prayer that will help to bring my daughter home.
Thanks Again,
Amy and Charles

Sad Day!!

Cant believe it, but we did not pass court today, we weren't seen. I have no idea what is going on because they are making us wait till the conference call at 2:00. Cruel and unusual punishment. Sorry, I know you all were expecting pics--us too!

The Waiting Game

Charles again -

I'm reading the emails, and waiting. Just watching for a sign. It kind of feels like staring down a long road and watching for the car. But this is THE CAR. The car that carries someone special. Everytime a car approaches, you get excited. You strain to see it. Everybody waiting with you thinks this is their car. Then it gets closer, and then as it doesn't slow, everybody exhales. It passes by and nervous glances are shared. We are all waiting for that call. The call that says they passed court, or maybe that they didn't. If they don't call then we will know that they jumped another hurdle. This waiting though, it's crazy! We sit and wait and wonder. This is one of those moments, and I want to record it. That butterflies in the stomach moment when you ask, is this going to happen or not? We have just enough information to be totally frustrated. If we get an email before 2:00 then it's not good. If we don't then we will stare at this screen for the next two hours and try to not go crazy! I wish my family could understand what this is like! I wish I could share just a little of this anxiety. Hopefully they will see it in the words I write. A few more hours and I will either be posting photos of our daughter or looking at later flights. Two weeks doesn't seem like a long time, but these two coming up... these seem way too long.

1 Day Till Court

Hey Everyone, we have 1 day until court!! I cannot believe that we have waited 102 days, well yes I can because they have been the longest days of my life! Tomorrow we will find out if we passed on the first try. There are a lot of people who don't, so I will let you all know as soon as I do. We do have a conference call with the adoption agency at 2:00 pm EST. This is with the agency reps, 14 families that have court tomorrow and the in country representative. I am sure that it will be a very interesting conversation.

My one wish on the last day before court is that everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day!

2 Days Till Court!

I was watching the news last night, I know big mistake, and there was an awful story about a man throwing a 3 month old baby out of a speeding car window. The baby died and the man trivialized it saying it's a "rough game." I was really upset thinking about it.
I began to think about what we adopting parents go through, as well as those people who cannot have kids. We try and we save and we wait and wait, we get mad and depressed and lose our minds, but each day that we wait and each dollar that we save makes us more aware of how precious and rare this is. Not that we wouldn't appreciate our children anyway, but we do a little more. How lucky our children are to come into a world where they are wanted, really wanted, but even more than that we think of ourselves as the lucky ones. Ella is a blessing in my life, even now that I don't have her in my arms. She is loved and she makes me a better person. I am more aware of my surroundings, more conscience of others, more willing to make changes to better our lives. I am not so religious, but I do feel like she is a gift from God. She is my little miracle and I would wait 10 years if I had to to be a part of her life.
So really, the waiting is unbelievably hard, I mean cry every day hard, but those things that do not kill me make me a stronger Mom.

2 thoughts for the 2 days till court:

1. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Gandhi
2. I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. Nelson Mandela