A Little Hope

Dear Ella,
Hi baby girl, Mommy is in Mexico for Uncle Rory´s wedding. I just looked at my email for the first time in a few days and there is a light of hope! It is only a rumor and I cant say much, but it looks really good. That is really good news and I need it because today was not a good day for Mommy. I woke up crying and havent stopped all day. I miss you little one and every day I sink a little deeper, but todays rumor has helped me see some light. Depression is a hard thing to deal with and I was starting to lose. I need you and I love you so much that it hurts--it really hurts. I dont want to plan my days without you and I want to hold you. My arms ache and my heart hurts. Your Eepaw says that depression is a hole that pulls you under and you have to fight to get out, I am fighting really hard and you are the light that I fight to see. No words can describe the feelings that I have, pain doesnt even come close. I want everyone to think that I am ok, maybe so I feel that I am ok. I just want you to come home to your Daddy and I. I stayed home from the festivities today, I just couldnt take it. I love this family, but I just needed some time to myself. I let your Daddy go on without me, I cried for hours. I didnt want to bring everyone down on such a happy occasion. I want so bad to feel better, but I can only supress these emotions for so long before they come up and choke me. Why? This is not something I can answer, I can only hope and pray and cope. Cope. Cope. Keep saying it and it will be real. I am also still having a hard time with the death of your Great Grandpa. I miss him and Grandma very much and I really wanted you to be able to meet them. All I can say is that you have 2 more angels watching over you. I know that they are there and they love you and Mommy very much. I will end this as I do with all of my letters and tell you that you are the most loved baby in the universe and that Mommy and Daddy are coming. Dont give up the hope that we love you more than we love anything. We are coming...Mommy is coming.
All of my love,
Mommy