Lilypie Kids birthday Ticker

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

One of those days

Dear Ella,
Today your Aunt Brook said that it has been one of those days and I
couldn't agree more. I again waited and searched for news about the
abandonment cases in Ethiopia and once again we came up short. It is
amazing the games that you can play in your mind to cope. I think I
will get through this hour by doing work and I won't check my email or
the blogs for that hour. It works for an hour but then you have to
find another game to play for the next hour. I am tired of playing
games and I just want some resolution. I stare at your picture and try
to imagine what you are like. What are you doing now? Are you sitting
up and rolling over? You turn 7 months tomorrow and I missed another
month in your life. Today is hard, but tomorrow is going to be harder.
What time do you eat? What do you do if you need to be changed? What
happens when you are mad or sad? Do they hold you a lot? Dammit, I
want to know all of these things and I am missing it. I know I know,
all of this will be water under the bridge when I get you, but
still...all of those experiences are gone, lost and there is no record
of them. Not being able to have kids is hard and going through this
makes it harder. Why must life punish us, is it so we appreciate what
we have and why we get all that much more? I appreciate everything
that I have and would gladly give it up for my daughter. Just to hold
you and bathe you and feed you. The simple things are the things I
miss. There is no more time. I want you now and I need you now. I am
rambling on and I am not making sense. I miss you Ella and I my body
craves to cuddle you. Please God I am apologizing for all the bad
things I have said and done, just send me to Ella. Please, I am
begging you on my hands and knees.......save me from this, give her to
me and I won't ask for more. I will spoil her rotten and I won't
complain. I know she is my miracle and I will treat her as such for
the rest of my life. Send me to my baby.....please.
Crying must stop and I have to say goodnight. I have sent all of the
pieces of my heart to you Ella girl and I have none left. Hold them
tight and I will come and get you. Remember that mommy loves you so
much. I am coming.
Love,
Mommy

Sent from my iPhone
Amy Haynie
Tampa Street Market
www.tampastreetmarket.com

3 comments:

Christy said...

My dear sweet Amy, My heart is breaking for you, Charles and Ella. What can I do? I am here for you. Love, Christy

Jmac said...

saw this on my crossfit web site this morning:
To get through the hardest journey we need to take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping. -- Chinese Proverb
love,
Jen

Rick Flynn said...

OK....No more tears. I will take over from here and do the crying because I still have some left. I know you are running short. Please Amy try and put in some happy funny things to go with the sad sad sad things. I know how you feel and God knows I am doing everything I can to help. Prayer has helped so far so you have to keep that up. Everyone I know is praying and he will answer them. .....Please Smile.... You are so beautiful when you smile.... Stay strong.... You want to be in good shape when she gets here and she is coming. I love you so much and my heart is breaking everytime I read these. What you said about your dad was great but he cried, I cried, Judi cried and even Richard shed a tear or two. Ella will become the best first mate her grandpa/Epaw could ask for.
Love,
Mom