I need you at the dimming of the day.

Dear Ella,
I am so sorry that I have not written anything recently, I have been a little down. Your Great Grandpa Flynn died on Saturday and Mommy is having a hard time dealing with both things. This week is particularly hard for me because this is the week I was supposed to meet you. For 4 months, I rehearsed the meeting in my head. Your Dad and I would come to the HOH on Monday--your 6 month birthday. They would bring you to us and hand you over, I would cry and so would your Dad. I can't get over the idea that I am supposed to be holding you right now, I feel I am being robbed. There is an emptiness inside of me. I wanted to be singing to you and rocking you to sleep, making you feel secure. Now your Daddy has to do that for me, Mommy is not strong without you. I need you baby, I need you to pray that this works out soon and that you get to come home to Mommy and Daddy. We miss you so much and we need you. I am mourning the loss of time, I will never hold you when you are 5 months, or 6 months. I will never know when you sat up for the first time or rolled over. I won't see your first smiles or your tantrums--I want that and I am sad and angry all at the same time.
I wanted to tell you a little about your Great Grandpa Flynn, he was a good man that made your Mommy feel very special. He took your Aunt Michelle and I on trips to Lake Cumberland and taught us to fish and water ski. We played cards and games and read Dr Seuss. As we got older, Grandpa kept records, he always video taped the experience, from my dance recitals to passing Triny dog over the table as we played cards and ate animal crackers. He owned a grocery store and made us feel very special, he gave me whatever I wanted and made sure we had what we needed. I will miss him but I also know that he will watch over you. Your guardian angels are plentiful!
I am closing this with the words from the song I will sing to you.
This old house if falling down around my ears I'm drowning in the river of my tears. You pull me like the moon pulls on the tides. What days have come that keep us far apart, a broken promise or a broken heart. I am living for the night we steal away. I need you at the dimming of the day. I need you at the dimming of the day.
Remember that you are loved more than any other baby in the universe. Your Daddy and I are coming to get you and hold you and love you. Don't lose hope, Mommy is coming! Mommy is coming! Mommy is coming!
All my love and wishes for sweet dreams,
Mommy

Maybe it should be this hard for everyone

Dear Ella,
This week has been such a roller coaster for your Mommy and Daddy. We had high hopes that we would hear something about your case, but we haven't . We had a conference call with CHI and the other families in the program, it was nice to hear from others in the same situation, but still no word on when or if your case will be heard. I am trying to look forward to things like going away for the weekend. Your Dad and I are going to meet the Cincinnati crew in Charleston for the weekend. It should be fun, but I am having a hard time relaxing these days. I worry that if this thing takes too long they might try and send you from the HOH back to the orphanage where they don't have adequate formula and food supplies--that keeps me up at night. We do not have any time references and that makes it impossible to plan anything. I don't think that people really understand how hard this situation is. We have fallen in love with you, it didn't take long. I remember getting home from NYC and seeing your small little face and malnourished frame on the computer screen and thinking--that is my daughter, that is my little girl, that is my future. My brain immediately reset my life and put you in it. Everything I want to do or that Daddy and I plan on doing--you are there. Every situation and decision we are faced with, we are making the best choice for you. When we thought that you would become ours, we were overwhelmed with emotion. When we found out that you might not become ours, we were overwhelmed with the opposite emotion. Those highs and lows are difficult to deal with. I am mourning a child I may never hold and at the same time I am told to hope that we will hold you. It is hard to deal one way or the other so we are left in a zombie state--not wanting to get hopeful because we are afraid of what happens when we get disappointed. I have never felt hurt like this before. The hurt of loving a child that you can't talk to, see, or touch is hard. The hurt of waiting to hold and hug and kiss your child for months is hard. The hurt of waiting for months only to be told it may never happen is unbearable. I want this all to be over and be holding you in my arms, I may never give you up. I think of the lullaby in my head, how long do you want to be loved..is forever enough cause I am never ever giving you up. It repeats over and over and I think 0f you in my arms. Maybe it should be this hard for everyone to get a baby, only the true parents who would sacrifice it all would be left standing. I will never take your life for granted, you will always be the greatest gift that I ever receive. If everyone went through what we are, I bet there wouldn't be babies left alone or thrown from car windows.
Ella, Mommy is staying strong for you. Mommy's only true concern is you--I will fight for you and I will never give up. If they tell me you cannot come here, I will go there. I will somehow make sure that you are not hungry or cold and you will never be alone. There is nothing in my world that is more important than you--you are the most loved child in the universe and we are coming to get you. Sleep well and grow strong because we have great adventures planned for you. Hold tight to the pieces of Mommy's heart because I am coming to get them soon.
All of my love,
Mommy

Frustration!

Dear Ella,
Every day that I spend without you is a lesson in patience. I am not good at waiting and I can't help but get upset that we are not getting updates from our agency. I also get jealous of the others who pass court and are heading over to get their children. I am truly happy for them, but I am also heart broken that I can't come get you. You are the light at the end of the tunnel, a light that I look towards every day. I am trying to live and I am trying not to break down, I am trying to control my emotions, no highs or lows. I can't live like this for very long.
I wish that I could just see you, I wish that someone would give me some information, I am drowning. I am numb, again. I just want answers and I need to start living again. Help.
I do pray, believe it or not. I need strength, I am weak right now and feel like crying all the time--I am just so mad! This is so unfair and I want something to give. I want to come get you now! Why is this happening? Please, please, please give me my daughter!!!!

I am sorry that I am so upset today, but I am here waiting for the green light to come and get you. Remember that I am coming and you are the most loved girl in the universe.

All of my love,
Mommy

Never give up!

Dear Ella,
You are so far away and my arms ache for you. I cannot wait to come and get you. I can't write much today because I am a little sad and I seem to want to cry a lot. Just remember that you are the most loved girl in the Universe! Mommy and Daddy are coming to get you. We will never give up on you, we are coming!
I love you more each day,
Mommy

The Power of Music

Ella,
Today's letter is from your dad. I don't know what all you will get from me, I hope for sure that you will get some dry humor and a love of books. I do know one thing you will get and that is the love of music. I took your mom to a concert last night that is one of my favorite events of the year - Tropical Heatwave from WMNF the best radio station ever! I look forward to it for months and plan my time to see each band I want to see meticulously. Last night though, one band played for you. A young band from Uganda (Kinobe and Soul Beat Africa) played the most amazing music on strange and beautiful handmade instruments. They captivated the audience including your mommy and me and took us far far from here to the continent that you sleep on. I hope that when they travel home they will carry a song to you and it will help you rest. Those songs are in my head with your adorable face. Those large eyes of yours we saw in the girls at the Ethiopian restaurant's booth that we ate at last night. Everything reminds us of you. I can't wait to take you to concerts and play songs for you like I do for your mommy. That will be my gift for you as it has been from my family to me.

More Love

My Sweet Ella,

I have been writing you these letters for a week now and we have quite a few of our friends and family following along. I wanted to tell you just how blessed we truly are. When it comes to friends, your Mommy has been very lucky. I have the best friends anyone could ever have. Your Nanan has always said that I am so lucky to have your Aunt Michelle--to whom I would fall apart without--but that I was really lucky to have friends that will be with me throughout my life. I know that this is true and that is one thing that I can pass down to you. You will not only come into a large family that loves and cares for you, but you will also inherit my friends. These people will care for you and love you like you are their own. There is a very strange and wonderful thing about true friends, it doesn't happen very often but when it does you must embrace it, cherish it and feed it. It is not easy, you have to work on it, but if you work hard and sacrifice you will be rewarded. There is an unconditional love that comes with certain friends, this type of love is precious. Your Mommy and Daddy have this love for you, but most people go through life never knowing what it feels like to love this way or to be loved in this way. Loving in this way means that you can never stop, never question and never reject the other persons love. I have that with my friends and I know you will too.

More love to flow in between us, to take us and hold us, let us save up, if there is ever an answer... its more love.

I will be singing this to you when you are falling asleep tonight, remember that you are the most loved baby in the Universe and don't forget, we are coming, we are coming, we are coming, Mommy and Daddy are coming!!

All of my love,
Your Mom

Maya Angelou is my favorite--Thanks Mom!

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”
~Maya Angelou

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70 birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was 'exciting.' Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first. The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such an honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words! Maya Angelou said this:
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. "I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
"I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'
"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. "I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. "I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. "I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
P please consider the environment before printing this e-mail

Thank You

To all of you that read and comment and follow the blog, Thank You. You have no idea what it means to us to know that someone is listening. To know that you have some insight into our journey and our struggles. I am sorry that my letters to Ella are a little sad, but somehow they make me feel stronger and connected. I cherish the 20 minutes it takes me to write to her, I can see her in my head and I feel that she can hear me. Please don't give up on us, your support and comments make it better, like we are not alone. It won't always be sad!

Love,
Amy

Thu 5/14/09
Dear Ella,
Last night I had to call the airlines and cancel my tickets to Ethiopia, my ticket to come and get you. That was really hard to do. I think your Daddy is a little relieved though, because now I can't just get on a flight and go. I just want to see you and hold you and kiss your fingers and toes. I think that you must be getting bigger, I wonder if you can sit up yet. I yearn for the sound of your cries. Yesterday, I was out shopping at Publix and a baby was crying the whole time. I just wanted to pick her/him up. I cried at Publix.
There was an update yesterday from our agency. They said that it looks like we will hear something sometime next week. I hope so, I don't think that I can last much longer. Mommy is going to have to go and see a Doctor if I can't come and get you soon, all of this stress is giving me a pain in the belly--ulcer pain.
I wish I could see what you are doing right now, I can tell you what I would be doing if you were here. We would be on the carpet with your favorite toys. I would be reading books and playing peek-a-boo. You would be laughing. I see that each time I pass the rug, the big, soft wool rug that Daddy and I bought to play with you on. Please come home soon. Mommy is getting desperate. Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong.
Sweet dreams Ellie Belly, you are the most loved baby in the universe! Mommy and Daddy love you and are coming to get you soon.
Love, Mommy

Roots and Rhythms Remain

Dear Ella,

It is the 6th day since we found out that our court hearing would be postponed indefinitely. I am glad that you are too young to understand that word, because it is not a nice one in the adoption world. Mommy is holding on to whatever I can to stay strong for you. Yesterday was a better day than today, today the tears began flowing again, I don't understand tears.

A story for you:

There once was a very independent and slightly militant girl named Amy. Amy worked and went to school, she went out with her friends on occasion, but was content to be by herself. One day long ago, she and a few friends went to a Halloween festival in Ybor. It was a crazy parade and party, something Amy really didn't like, but for some reason she felt as though she needed to be there. After a few hours, she was standing alone when a man came up to her and asked if she would run away with him. Amy liked this man and immediately pulled out her passport and asked where to? The man's name was Charles and although they didn't run away together that night, because you need to get a police report and have all men supply a urine and blood sample for analysis first before you agree to date them, it was the beginning of many great adventures together. Amy and Charles were inseparable, they only felt good when they were together. Amy realized that being alone and independent were good, but when true love comes around you need to jump on board. Amy found it easy to tell Charles all of the things she kept inside and she was happy. After a few years of marriage, Amy told Charles that she had a dream. It was a dream of Africa and children. Amy had this dream many times and realized that she must go there and Charles agreed. They knew that Ethiopia was the place and after almost 2 years of waiting, they were given a picture of their daughter. They knew right away that she was theirs. It was once again true love and the couple jumped on board. They named their daughter Ella and they loved her from a distance for many months. To be continued....
That is where the story ends for now, with them loving Ella unconditionally and from afar.
Ella, I wish I could be there to tell you this story myself, but it will come to you as you sleep. May it bring you security and happy dreams to know that you are ours and we are yours.
"after the dreams of falling and calling your name out, these are the roots and the rhythms, and the roots and the rhythms remain" ..Mommy's favorite song that she dreams about, Under African Skies. Hear it and know that you are the most loved child in the universe.
All my love, Mommy

Is Forever Enough?

My Sweet Ella,

Because there is a stall in the process, I believe that it must be for a reason. Your Daddy says that everything happens for a reason, the only reason I can think of is to prepare us for loss. Most people don't understand the loss you feel at your young age, but you have lost a great deal. You lost your Mother, first nannies, and soon the nannies at your transition home. I am so sorry Ella. Mommy had not lost that much until now, although I still have you, the courts are threatening to take you away. Mommy lost the security of having you come home and I am mourning that security, it was the idea that kept me strong. I got a glimpse of what it must feel like to lose the most important thing in your life and I wish that Mommy could come and scoop you up and hold you until that sadness goes away forever. I want to hold you and sing to you and feed you and make you feel secure. I will rock you to sleep and stay by your side in case you wake. I won't leave you, I will never leave you. Not now, not ever.
"How long do you wanna be loved, is forever enough, cause I'm never ever giving you up"
I will be singing this song as I send another piece of my heart to you. Listen close and hold tight to those pieces, always remembering that you are loved more than any other child in the universe and we are coming, we are coming, we are coming.

Paddling in the wind

Saturday my mom offered to watch the shop for us. (That was huge by the way!) Not only have we not had a Saturday off in months, but we were able to spend some time together when we needed it most. We had hoped to go kayaking the week before, but this couldn't have been a better way to relax. We cajoled a couple of our friends into going with us and headed out to Weedon Island Preserve on the St. Pete side of the Gandy Bridge. The loop was a 4.5 mile haul through beautiful clear waters and shaded mangrove tunnels. We headed out in the warm part of the morning, but there was a slight breeze that kept it cool. Our thoughts were definitely on Ella and all of the ups and downs of this process. Kayaking is enough work that we were able to get some of our frustrations out and really burn through some of the craziness. The day was relaxing and fantastic but as we headed past the last marker and went for the final stretch, the wind started to really push against us. The soreness and tired muscles were starting to catch up with us and Amy was pushing hard to get back. She left me behind by a good ways and I overtook a kayak with two women in it. They asked if that was my friend that was pushing through. I said yes, "She doesn't give up." Their reply - "That's an excellent quality!" I couldn't agree more, and this week I have to keep reminding her of that fact. She won't though- whether she believes it or not.
- Charles

Mothers Day 2009

Dear Ella,

Yesterday was Mother's Day and your Dad and I spent all day visiting your Grandparents. We went sailing with your Nanan and Eepaw in the early part of the day and spent the afternoon and evening with Nana and Aunt Dedra and Uncle Luke in Orlando. Overall, it was a really nice day but a minute didn't go by that I wasn't thinking of you.
When we found out about you, my heart broke into pieces, some were so small they were carried by the wind for thousands of miles, over oceans and seas, over mountains and valleys, all the way to a tiny orphanage in Addis Ababa and they landed directly in your arms. Mommy cannot live with this broken heart for very long, so you know that I must come and get you so that you can fix my heart, because you are the only one who can. Until the day that we come and get you, you must know that Daddy and I love you and miss you. I pray every night that you are happy and they are taking good care of you. I pray that you feel safe and secure and know that no matter what happens, you are my daughter. There might be a chance that the courts don't allow us to come and get you for a long time, but you must never forget or begin to doubt that you belong to someone. You are wanted and needed and loved more than any other child in the universe. If I could, I would move heaven and earth to come and get you, but it is just not that easy. I have your room ready and everything you need to come home. You have soft beds, plush toys, silky blankets and lots of love waiting on you here. We are here, your family, and I can't wait for you to meet everyone.
Mommy has to end this letter, but I will write one each day that I am away from you. When you grow up, you will know how much we love you and how much it hurt to be away from you.
"she gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love"
You will hear that as you sleep, over and over again, I am sending it with another piece of my heart, stay strong little one and keep growing big and healthy.
Love, Mommy

A letter to Ella

To my daughter Ella,

I want to introduce myself to you. I am your Mother. You have not met me, but I wanted you to know a few things. There are some problems with the court system in the place where you are and that is why it is taking me so long to get to you. I know that you are getting anxious and know that we are too. I know you are too young to understand this, but someday I hope that I can read this to you or you will happen to find it.
I want you to know that on January 26, 2009 we found out about you. That was the day my life changed. I never knew that I could love someone I had never seen, touched or heard, but I did. You took my heart at that minute and have held it ever since. It has been 103 days since and you were supposed to be in my arms in 16 days, but unfortunately it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I am sorry sweet baby, but you have to stay strong. Mommy is coming. It might take me a few more weeks, or maybe months to get to you, but I am coming. Don't lose hope. There may be thousands of miles between us, but that cannot alter my feelings. You are my baby and I love you more than anything in the world. Stay strong and always remember that you are loved and Mommy is coming to get you.

All of my love,
Your Mom

Sleep

"Get some sleep"..."Get your rest now"...."No more sleeping in"....If only that was possible. I can't sleep, I wish that I could, but it just won't come. I fall asleep, but hours later I am wide awake. I have bad dreams, the kind like when you were a kid. Last night I dreamt that I was in this deserted house and I kept screaming for my Mom, I couldn't find my way out. I awoke at 2 and again at 3:30 and again at 4:30, I stayed awake. Hope, I am losing it. I planned our lives with Ella and now I can't think of anything hopeful, I have nothing to look forward to. I know there is a chance that the courts will do something soon, but there is also the chance that they won't. I am afraid to get my hopes up again. I just keep asking, "why us"?
I will put on a brave face and tackle my life again, but it won't make sense, not until Ella comes home.

What is going on

I just wanted to update all of you on what is going on with Ella and the adoption. Charles and I got some very sad news today, our adoption is getting put on hold. There was corrupt things going on in Addis Ababa with a certain agency and a certain police officer. All of which has affected us, they have decided not to hear any case involving abandoned children in Addis Ababa--Ella was abandoned. This is a big blow for us and I have cried non stop ever since we heard the news. We don't know if this issue will be taken care of next week, next month or next year. All of your thoughts, hopes, prayers and intentions are needed and appreciated. This is the hardest time of our lives. I hope that you understand if I don't respond to all of the emails, but know that I am reading them and I appreciate every comment. I will stop crying and we haven't given up hope that we will bring Ella home. Again, I am not a really religious person, but I would appreciate any prayer that will help to bring my daughter home.
Thanks Again,
Amy and Charles

Sad Day!!

Cant believe it, but we did not pass court today, we weren't seen. I have no idea what is going on because they are making us wait till the conference call at 2:00. Cruel and unusual punishment. Sorry, I know you all were expecting pics--us too!

The Waiting Game

Charles again -

I'm reading the emails, and waiting. Just watching for a sign. It kind of feels like staring down a long road and watching for the car. But this is THE CAR. The car that carries someone special. Everytime a car approaches, you get excited. You strain to see it. Everybody waiting with you thinks this is their car. Then it gets closer, and then as it doesn't slow, everybody exhales. It passes by and nervous glances are shared. We are all waiting for that call. The call that says they passed court, or maybe that they didn't. If they don't call then we will know that they jumped another hurdle. This waiting though, it's crazy! We sit and wait and wonder. This is one of those moments, and I want to record it. That butterflies in the stomach moment when you ask, is this going to happen or not? We have just enough information to be totally frustrated. If we get an email before 2:00 then it's not good. If we don't then we will stare at this screen for the next two hours and try to not go crazy! I wish my family could understand what this is like! I wish I could share just a little of this anxiety. Hopefully they will see it in the words I write. A few more hours and I will either be posting photos of our daughter or looking at later flights. Two weeks doesn't seem like a long time, but these two coming up... these seem way too long.

1 Day Till Court

Hey Everyone, we have 1 day until court!! I cannot believe that we have waited 102 days, well yes I can because they have been the longest days of my life! Tomorrow we will find out if we passed on the first try. There are a lot of people who don't, so I will let you all know as soon as I do. We do have a conference call with the adoption agency at 2:00 pm EST. This is with the agency reps, 14 families that have court tomorrow and the in country representative. I am sure that it will be a very interesting conversation.

My one wish on the last day before court is that everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day!

2 Days Till Court!

I was watching the news last night, I know big mistake, and there was an awful story about a man throwing a 3 month old baby out of a speeding car window. The baby died and the man trivialized it saying it's a "rough game." I was really upset thinking about it.
I began to think about what we adopting parents go through, as well as those people who cannot have kids. We try and we save and we wait and wait, we get mad and depressed and lose our minds, but each day that we wait and each dollar that we save makes us more aware of how precious and rare this is. Not that we wouldn't appreciate our children anyway, but we do a little more. How lucky our children are to come into a world where they are wanted, really wanted, but even more than that we think of ourselves as the lucky ones. Ella is a blessing in my life, even now that I don't have her in my arms. She is loved and she makes me a better person. I am more aware of my surroundings, more conscience of others, more willing to make changes to better our lives. I am not so religious, but I do feel like she is a gift from God. She is my little miracle and I would wait 10 years if I had to to be a part of her life.
So really, the waiting is unbelievably hard, I mean cry every day hard, but those things that do not kill me make me a stronger Mom.

2 thoughts for the 2 days till court:

1. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Gandhi
2. I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. Nelson Mandela

3 Days till Court

There are 3 days, yes 3 days, I can't believe that there are only 3 days until Ella becomes ours.
Yesterday was tough, but after Charles and I ran and biked, I felt much better. I am joining the gym by my work today, I need to work out this stress. It helps a lot.

Today's topic: 3 reasons Ella is so lucky.

1. CHARLES--Her daddy is going to be so good to her. He is going to read and play and spoil her rotten. He is going to teach her how to be a good person, to think of others and to make sure that she understands that she is loved. She will be proud to call him Daddy.
2. GRANDPARENTS--Ella is lucky to have so many Grandparents to love her and to teach her new things. Eepaw will teach her to sail, chase her with insects and show her the stars. Nanan will feed her, teach her the importance of shopping, and squeeze her until she cries! Nana will read to her and play with her for hours and then bathe and put her to bed. Grandpa and Grandma LeNora will love her, teach her how to live healthy and introduce her to Texas culture. Her Grandmother will show her how to be a lady and that family is the most important thing in the world. Pop will teach her to embrace life and live every day to its fullest.
3. AUNTS AND UNCLES--Aunt Michelle & Uncle Ken will tell her stories about her Mommy and show her what unconditional love feels like. Uncle Rich and Aunt Dedra will tell her stories about her Daddy and teach her the basics of family and baking. Uncle Luke will show her how to be fashionable and play endlessly with her. Uncle Rory and Aunt Erika won't stop hugging her as they tell her of traveling and Mexican culture.

With all of this love and support Ella really is the second luckiest girl in the world, because when I got her, I became the luckiest!

Enjoy the Ride (4 days)

I was so overwhelmed with my emotions today that I thought I was going to lose it, but then I read some other blogs and found the "bright side". I am not much for looking on that proverbial bright side, but at this point I have nothing to lose. I can concentrate on the--I have no control of this thing or I can try and find the silver lining. I am going to copy a little of Stephanie's blog, I hope she doesn't mind.

There are 4 days until our court date in Ethiopia, the day in which Ella legally becomes ours. She is already ours in our hearts and minds so legally ours is the last step. We are really excited and I wanted to share a few things that I am looking forward to doing.

• Holding, Kissing, Squeezing, ETC...You know!!


• Seeing Charles' eyes get teary as he holds his daughter (cry..)


• Going to the Zoo


• Going to the Aquarium


• Going Bird Watching


• Watching her sleep


• Feeding her


• Reading to her

I could go on, but I would like you to tell me what you looked forward to or still love doing with your kids, maybe 1 or 2. I am going to put these in a book. All are urged to comment, family members strongly urged.

Thanks for all the support! We love you.